Victimize me, why don't you.

I hate my family for many reasons, I like my family for many reasons.
Though the hate is beginning to overtake the positive aspects.

Like just now, when my mum asked me what I wanted from a take-away, I answered with a few items, and she told me at that particular restaurant it would be too expensive, so I'd choose one thing.
I didn't disagree, and was deciding on a single item.

Now, I have no idea how expensive this restaurant is, I rarely eat Indian food, and the same amount of items would've been at a very reasonable price to the venues I tend to go to.

My brother ends up shouting from the living room, in a very rude manner, "You will only get one item!". I was fine.
My mum goes inside, and he tells her "If he wants that, he'll get a job and pay for it himself".

That was all I had to hear. Ovcourse I yelled back. I gave a mini-lecture that only scraped the anger I had to show.
I expressed my view on how bloody rude he was right then and there, THEN he has the nerve to say "I'm not being rude, I'm telling it how it is." At which point I stated that from my room, I can hear everything they say. Everything they're whispering under their breath against me.
They forget that this house echoes, but I doubt they even realise when they conspire in one room.

My mother understands the amount of stress I have flooding through my blood, the anger, the twig under my foot that I'm rather close to snapping without much of an attempt.
She's just left, and said "Do not fight". I stated I won't aslong as no one talks to me. No one in the house. Specifically my hipocratical, egomaniacle brother.
My mother had said for no one to talk to me, and I surely hope it stays that way.


Many of my friends know how I feel against my brother. Thoughts aren't pleasant.
One of these days, I'm not going to be able to control myself, and at this moment I'm looking forward to that time.

Stressed

Stressed out beyond anything else.
The time I feel happy, everything goes to shit. My mother doesn't want me to have friends while I'm studying, for example (which could be for years).

She also wants to tell me how to live my life, and how to study, when to study, what methods to use to study, etc. As if I'm still in school. I'm deciding my life, not her. Who's she to interfere?
I'm the one picking up the books, and more importantly, I am the one who went through suicidal phases early on in life, I'm the one who is trying to get past the depression in hopes that my mental scars will fade from public view like my physical ones have.
My life fucked up, and I'm trying to change it all for the better. But I can't do this while I'm getting yelled at constantly whenever I try to relax with my friends (it started when I saw my friend, for the first time in months). Apparently I can't even see my friends once a month. Great.

At this point, I don't see how this is worth it.
Everyone else pisses and moans that they're the ones who're stressed, so instead of growing the fuck up, acting their age, and finding logical solutions to their problems, they would rather vent all of their angers towards me. Me. The quiet one who doesn't like to shout, who doesn't like negativity of any sort, resulting in me losing it and shouting back. Which I don't want to do. Ever (which is why I don't like when people suddenly decide to yell at me).

If someone has a problem, it's 'their' problem, not mine, and I should in no way suffer as a result.
I can't handle stress, yet no one but a select few of my real friends seem to give a shit about that.
If everyone knows I can't handle stress, and they've seen me going through drug phases and suicidal cuts as a result, why oh why do they taunt me so?
They constantly assume that I "might" be able to handle it 'now'. Fuck you.
They keep 'trying', purposely, to yell at me at any given opportunity. Calling me a failure, a bum, a low life, etc.
I get enough of that slander, I don't need to hear it from my own family.

I'm studying so I can get 'out' of this house and live my life, though I can't concentrate while I'm being stressed all the time.
And I can't stay here because, again, I'm being stressed all the time as a result.
I should just OD.

Meh.

First post of the new domain, hurrah.
[Not entirely sure if I have a general excitement for it all just yet.]

So I've recently gotten into Lord of the Rings Online: Shadows of Angmar. Bought the gold edition, which came with a 45 day free trial (which was nice).
Recently, I've been noticing a change in my general attitude and views. I'm not sure why, to be honest.
I'm 19, and I'm pretty darn sure that I finished puberty many years ago. Late teen phase? *shrug*
I would've given an assumption that I'm subconciously masking unhappiness by forcing myself to appear bright and such, I "would've", meaning that it just doesn't make sense anymore. I 'actually' feel more happy.

I'm confusing myself.

I guess it could be that I'm leaning away from being an adolescent bent on fits of anger from time to time.
[But that's just crazy talk]

So enough about my mindless psychoanalysis.
Tomorrow I may be ordering my ear stretcher things, this time going up to 3mm. Big step, sure, seeing as I'm just 2mm at the moment (skipping a size), though I stretched my left ear lobe by over 1mm, and that was pierced with a gun when I was around 10. The more you stretch, the more easier it is to stretch (or so I've heard).
By that proven theory, it should work out much better.

I've run out of things to say.. Well, until tomorrow I suppose.
Toodles.